A Collection Of Some Of My Very Favourite Gags
A man is like a deck of playing cards.
You need a …..
Heart - to love him.
Diamond - to marry him.
Club - to smash his head in.
Spade - to bury the bastard.
Q) What's the difference between a graveyard and a toilet?
A) When you've got to go, you have to go...
Q) What do you call somebody who hates ironing?
Q) Why do dogs wag their tails?
A) So they don't have to smell their own body odour.
Q) What's the difference between an out-law and an in-law?
A) Outlaws are wanted.
A man wrote this to a systems analyst in the Marriage Software Division:
Dear Systems Analyst,
I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as 'Boys' Night out 2.5' and 'Golf 5.3' no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected 'Saturday Rugby 6.3' always fails and 'Saturday Shopping 7.1' runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to 'Girlfriend 7.0', but uninstall doesn't work on this program. Can you please help?
... AND THIS IS WHAT OUR ANALYST SAID:
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.
Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the System once it is installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems.
(See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees).
Having Wife 1.0 installed, I recommend you keep it Installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the......... C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.
It may be necessary to run C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.
Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme, can be very rewarding.
To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as 'Flowers 2.0' and 'Chocolates 5.0' or 'HUGS\ KISSES 600.0' or 'TENDERNESS\ UNDERSTANDING 1000.0' or even Eating out without the Kids 7.2.1' (if Child processing has already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install 'Secretary 2.1' (Short Skirt Version) or 'One Nightstand 3.2' (Any Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly CRASH.
Boy: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No! Don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course! Over and over!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: No! Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get!
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
Girl: Can I trust you?
After Marriage...........Read it from bottom to top!
A man was walking in a bush.
Suddenly he saw a lion before him. Confused, he knelt down to pray.
On opening his eyes he saw to his amazement the lion also kneeling.
The man says to the lion 'are you a christian?'
The lion responds 'don't you pray before eating?'
'Oh!', says the man.
A cowboy gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?"The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies."
"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches.They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?""No, sir," the cowboy replies. "I have too much respect for law enforement to call y'all a horse's ass." "That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."